I've stared at the blank page for a while now, I started it off but couldn't continue. I saved it for a few days and finally came back to it and decided I need to just say it. So here we go...
So the summer going into my sophomore year was probably the worst summer of my life. It all started with summer swimming, which is usually something I enjoyed but certain things happened and my summer swimming was ruined. It was nothing awful but it still hurt. Even before this, my best friend in elementary school suddenly turned on me and left me for another group of friends who were more outgoing than me. So when another friend did this I closed myself off from practically everyone.
Then July came, I started getting migraines every week (I've decided that I will create another blog post solely on my migraines). No matter what I did, I continued to get migraines. Most of July was spent laying on the couch or in my parents bed trying to sleep all day. When I was okay, I was too afraid that another migraine would attack. So, I spent a lot of time reading and watching television. Then one day, I stumbled upon YouTube again. Three years previous I watched YouTube A TON! Mainly singing and covers of songs. Somehow I was on YouTube and I came across a YouTuber named Zoella talking about her panic attacks and anxiety
It suddenly hit me, and with a little more research, I knew I had social anxiety. By definition social anxiety is: "is the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people,
leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, embarrassment,
humiliation, and depression."
I knew for sure I had social anxiety because before any social "thing", I would literally sit and plan out what I should/would say to people I would be hanging out with. Or, whenever someone asked for me to hang out I would automatically say no. I don't know why I freak out before hanging out with my friends, because obviously they are my friends and aren't going to hate me but it's a constant factor in my mind. Even if I've known the person my entire life, I will still think "why would they want to hang out with my?"
Even recently, my social anxiety was at an all time high last Saturday. As a crew leader for VBS I had to go on stage in front of my church and sing and dance with the kids. Why I freaked out, I don't know. None of those parents cared what I was doing, they were consumed in their five year olds dancing. I just couldn't do it. I barely sang and danced and made myself look even more stupid than if I would have just done it full out. I can talk in front of people (generally) fine but when I have to perform on stage, I freak out.
Going back to the day I first watched Zoe's video, I also found an accompanying video called Just Say Yes. Since watching this video, I try to live this out. It took baby steps but, now, a year later, I can say I've greatly improved since last summer. I've been out for ice cream with friends, went to the local fair (which I used to swear I'd never do), and went to some grad parties. I still freak out before going out but I've started to say yes to events instead of immediately saying no. I'm working on my confidence but that all comes with time.
I'm so proud of myself, for how far I've come. So that's my social anxiety story. Again, I still face some struggles but I'm trying to handle my anxiety better.
Until next time,
Taylor xx
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