Running While Female

As more and more women share their "#MeToo" stories I have reflected on my own experiences of not feeling safe or secure. 

 Growing up my parents emphasized to my brother and I how important it was to be aware of everything around us and be ready to take action. Being vigilant is one of the largest lessons that has stuck with me to this day (so thanks mom and dad *thumbs up for you* your parenting was effective). 

 My parents stressing of the importance of being aware of my surroundings only grew when I started going running in my neighborhood at home. I ended up carrying pepper spray for a long time. If I am being completely honest I have not (yet) experienced a time where I felt uncomfortable running in O'Fallon. I'm sure it helps that where I live is a very family-friendly neighborhood with a lot of active people. This hasn't lessened my senses though, I am still very aware of any dogs or people that could be around.

 This changed when I came to Springfield. I am not located in the most safe part of Springfield and that has definitely influenced where and when I go running. I only go running in the daylight, I always have my keys in one hand and my phone in the other. When I run alone I only do a loop around the Drury campus so that I always have a building I could go to within a few feet in case I feel unsafe.

 The first time I felt really uncomfortable when running was when I was running in downtown Springfield with a male friend. We were running down a residential street, I looked to my right and saw a guy looking at me for an unreasonably long time. My guy friend made eye contact with the man staring at me and he looked away. I'm not sure if my friend realizes that he helped stop a situation I was uncomfortable in (we never talked about it and I'm not sure if he remembers) but I was glad he was there to do so. It was the first time I really felt like someone was ogling at me and it's an awful feeling. I should not feel in danger for working out. 

 See, it is much more fun to run downtown or go on different routes instead of doing the same loop 3 times to get in my 5K, but I can't do that if I run alone. I am sad that I live in a society where I have to be fearful of doing something I love because of someone's unwanted advances. I am sad that people are still tying to justify my running attire as an invitation to stare at me. What saddens me the most is that people are not willing to talk about this and other cases of sexual harassment because they feel like no one is listening.

My "#runningwhilefemale" story may not be the most dramatic but I still feel like it's important to talk about sexual assault and sexual harassment. I would also suggest checking out the #runningwhilefemale for more stories.

 I love running and I don't ever intend on stopping, but there are times I feel discouraged because of situations like my own and the others I read. My hope is that one day if I have a daughter that we can run together and not feel unsafe. I hope that she lives in a world that is able to respect her body's abilities and strengths.

Until next time,
Taylor xx 
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Identity

We find our direction through our identity. 

I have spent a lot of time crafting my identity, but unfortunately the words I string together to recognize who I am aren't that simple. 

There is the identity you let others see and the identity you hold at your core. The first is what you are willing to show to strangers and friends alike, the latter is what you show to a very select few (or maybe no one at all).

There are many layers to an identity. When speaking of that first "outer layer" of an identity (the one you are willing to show everyone) you get the basics. For me: a Strategic Communication major, a writer, passionate about coffee, breakfast food, and baking cookies, I love running in the morning and going to bed early.

Then there is the deeper layer of my identity, the layer I am not going to share on the Internet just yet. It's those deeper questions, with darker answers-- who you are at your very core. 

The third layer of your identity is the hardest because while it is yours it doesn't belong to you, it belongs to society-- how they identify you. They take all the characteristics that you try so hard to mold into a certain way and they judge you. They judge you hard. Every little thing you do that falls short of what you "should" be becomes a huge red flag to people.

And then what do you do when you lose a part of your identity? You have to reevaluate and it isn't easy (especially with everyone already breathing down your neck waiting for you to mess up and see how you respond). You may work your whole life towards what you think you are and sometimes you aren't that. 

You have two options: you can give in to the defeat or decide to reshape your identity.

When a part of my core identity (that I did not want exposed) got exposed I had to redefine who I was. While it was awful in the moment, having a new path that was worthy of putting my effort into made everything click back into place. My sense of direction was back on track.

It does not end once you reevaluate your identity for the first, fourth, or four hundredth time. Our identities are not finite. We are constantly learning and changing. Although this can be terrifying it is actually pretty reassuring. I do not want life to pass me by because I have accepted what the world has thrown at me. I want to be challenged because I want to grow. Our identities are constantly evolving because we push ourselves to be better. While change may make us uncomfortable, getting complacent is worse.

There does not necessarily need to be one defining moment that gives us the wake up call to change the direction of our lives, but sometimes those moments are what we need.

Have the desire and motivation to work for the identity you want to achieve. Just because you may have to reshape your identity does not mean you are a failure, it means you are growing.

Until next time,
Taylor xx
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What Do You Want

What do you want? A pretty broad question that can take you a variety of directions. 

 I don't know how I stumble upon the TED Talks that I end up watching, but it usually starts with me scrolling through their official website or YouTube pages. I go through and click "watch later" on the ones I am interested in and randomly pick one to start at. The one I landed on? "How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over" by Mel Robbins. It's pretty blunt but pretty applicable. 
I'm always pretty weary of motivational speakers because so many times people buy into the idea of the empty words speakers are saying and profiting off of. Robbins' talk gave the listeners practical advice for making changes in their lives, though. She also wasn't afraid to call out people's flaws or problems. 

 Now going back to the original question of "what do you want?" I automatically think about a dream job or dream future. But why do I assume it's a "dream job", why can't it become a reality?

 That's what Robbins wants to blame on the F-word. No, it's not what you're thinking. The F-word is "fine." We get so used to saying "this is fine, things are fine," that we don't challenge ourselves. 

 Why do we do this? According to Robbins it is because we like the idea of routine, we like what is safe and normal. She said that the ways to change how we live are simple, but not easy.
1. It's simple (but not easy): force yourself out of your own head
As Robbins said, "If I put a speaker on your [mind] and broadcast what you say to yourself you'd be institutionalized." If we don't speak about/to others that way, why do we subject ourselves to that negativity? 
2. It's simple (but not easy): force yourself past your feelings 
Our feelings are usually what keep us stuck in our repetitive routine. We don't "feel" like doing something different. A moment for change may present itself but we hesitate. That hesitation is our feelings acting over what we really want.

 I am as guilty as the next person. One of my many fears is rejection so I sometimes settle for what is fine versus taking the risk. I think that the bigger problem comes when you consistently settle for just being "fine" instead of doing what you really want. As I have discussed in my previous posts I really am trying to live in the moment more and I feel like I have some progress.

 By forcing ourselves out of our own heads and forcing ourselves past our own feelings we become vulnerable. That vulnerability allows us to grow as people and eventually become who we really want (even if we get hurt at first).

 Until next time,
Taylor xx
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